updates and such

So a lot has been happening over the last two weeks. I haven't talked about it much because frankly it was a lot to process and I've been pretty emotional about it.

The company where I was working laid off most of the people on my team. This came as a devastating surprise to some people while others were just happy to get severance pay and the time off to aggressively look for another job. I would have been cut too but as it turns out I gave my notice just one week prior so the layoffs afforded me a much needed week long break in between jobs. Oh yes I guess I didn't mention that on a positive note, I got a new job!

I'm really excited about my new job but I should also let you know that now I am a full time employee. This is the only downside really. That and the fact that my awesome friend no longer works there and I was REALLY looking forward to sharing a work environment with her - but that is a story for another day. Anyway, I've been having some real sadness about being away from Fenix for 5 days a week. I know a lot of parents do it - hell, J has been doing it since Fee was 2 weeks old! But I... I just always envisioned that I'd be a SAHM and now I'm not and frankly it sucks. I know with time I'll feel better about it. I know that Fenix is doing great with his daycare provider (she is WONDERFUL). And I know that financially this is really the right decision for us as far as planning for the future is concerned.

So with all of that said I will say that I am thankful for the time that I did spend with Fenix at home. This has been the best 11 months of my whole life.

lessons from africa

So today was my first day back at work. Well I'm still here. But I'm taking a quick break to tell you about how things went today.

I dropped Fenix off at daycare around 8 am. He was happy. He immediately went to one of the ladies and started smiling and playing with the other babies. I went over some things with the 'teachers'- how to change a cloth diaper, his likes and dislikes, etc.

Then it was time to go.

I tried so hard not to cry. I really did. But then when I went to say goodbye, my heart got so heavy. I felt my throat tighten. And my eyes started to well up. It sucked.
I took him and kissed him and said goodbye and I left.

And then I sat in my car and cried and cried.

While I was sitting there having a meltdown one of the ladies came to the car and asked me to come back in. So I pulled myself together and I did. And when I went inside another one of the care providers took me aside with Fenix. She is this little African lady named Ann and she has the most wonderful accent!
She said:
"In Africa when the mother leaves her baby she must never cry. You cannot leave him with tears because he will take them from you and then he will cry too." Then she showed me how his little eyes were full of tears because he had started to cry right after I had left :-(

So she took me and hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and thanked me for sharing Fenix with them. And I hugged them both and kissed him and said goodbye in a happy voice. Then he turned and gave me the biggest brightest smile.........

Then I walked back to my car, drove away and cried on the bus the whole way here.

I feel better now. I'm looking forward to seeing my little one tonight when I get home. I never knew I could love another person this much. I thought I knew what love was when I met J but this is just so much more.

i quit.....

yep you heard right. i quit my job. i am now officially a stay at home mom. (at least for the near term).

i am really happy that i get to spend more time with fenix but i am scared to death. i was unemployed on one other occasion in my adult life and it was when i quit my job to move out here to seattle with j. that was scary but this situation now is on a whole different level!

in any case i'm so thankful that i have such a wonderful husband that works really hard so that i can be in the position to take more time off. i do not have the words to express how appreciative i am.

a round of applause

... For J McG. He now officially has a Project Manager title at his company. This is a tremendous Christmas gift for our family since the promotion also comes with a very very nice raise and increased bonus potential.

I'm so proud of him!

um. i'm tired

So this whole 24/7 baby care thing is interesting. I certainly was warned enough that it would be hard so no surprise there. The funny thing is that it's not just an issue of sleep deprivation. There is also this thing that happens where you totally lose track of days and hours... night time and day time are a forgotten notion. You sleep when you can... when the baby lets you.

It's cool though. I am sort of enjoying the fact that the only commitment I have is caring for Fenix. I do not have to be anywhere. I don't even have to pick out an outfit. No meetings. No tasks due. No release to get out or bugs to regress. My life was consumed with those things before so a break from all that is just what I needed.

And you know... I am just loving every single moment of motherhood, yes even the poop diapers.

we shipped it! and other sh*t that is going on

So I finally finished up at work somewhere around 1 a.m. We've got a conference call at 11 a.m. today to discuss last minute hotfixes but the good news is that the late nights are pretty much over.

Anyway we agreed to get this crib from ikea for the nursery:


Jason is going down there in a few minutes to get it, a mattress and some basic bedding. I am priming and painting the changing table in bright white (as opposed to the distressed black that we originally agreed on).

Here's our latest inspiration nursery:

sigh. i'm still at work.

It's midnight... well almost and I'm still here at work.

FWIW I do get a sense of accomplishment after a big project like this comes to an end. To know that I had a big hand in shaping something that is really important to my company is a pretty cool thing.

All that said... I'm tired and I wanna go home!

w00t!

i just finalized the conditions of my maternity leave and post leave work schedule.

i will be off on maternity leave for 8 weeks (2 weeks @ 100% pay, 4 weeks at 50% pay, 2 weeks unpaid).
when I come back i'll be in the office 3 days p/week, working from home one day and totally off one day.
that will last for a month.
then for the following 3 months after that i will work 4 days a week in the office. i hope to re-negotiate at that time so that my 4 day p/week schedule is permanent.

i asked for a bit more time to work from home but they wouldn't budge on that. i'm just happy for what i was able to negotiate though!